A Few Days Before 29

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I had debated with myself whether to post something as personal as this for a few days before ultimately deciding to go for it. Not that you needed to know that, of course. And it’s also not like you need this post. But I have been thinking a lot lately (well, I think a lot all the time). These past few days have been quite filled with conundrums.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about choices and paths, and how, at 28, I’m still not sure which road I’m heading. Does the road even exist? Should I choose just one road? What if I’m already on it but I’m too whiny and can’t see past the hurdles?

I’ve been thinking a lot about mindfulness and what I spend my time on, and how, at this point in my life, I find myself clamming up and questioning my decisions and capabilities and dreams. Am I doing the right thing? Am I sure I can do this? Do I deserve the good things happening to me? Do I know what I’m doing? Do they know that I question myself a lot?

Something good happened, but I knew that the happiness I felt after learning about that “something good” would last a maximum of two days. After that, I’d go back to doubting myself and doubting what I can do. And then it affects what I actually do. I make mistakes. I question myself again. The vicious cycle doesn’t end. I try to tell myself that it’s all in my head. If I breathe in and out and try to focus, I’d see clearly. The things I’m afraid of are not real.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about how there are days when I feel like I don’t need more than anything I currently have, and how there are days when I feel like I’ve been missing out on a lot of things. I think about what to put out there and what I really want to say. Would this benefit you in any way? Why do I even burden myself with the idea of being someone who only gives “useful” content?

What I’m trying to say is: a few days before I turn 29, I am confused about a lot of things. But truly, my only goal is to be more grateful.

About the Author

Jorj creates and helps shape stories that stick in people's minds, tug at their heartstrings and move them to action. When not trying to make sense of the world through writing, she busies herself with making videos.