It’s been a blur.
I don’t think I’ve quite realized and internalized the fact that it’s Christmas next Saturday. We have been planning and preparing for our trip to my husband’s hometown; it’s been two years since our last visit and I’m trying to remember what to do in Aparri.
A 2021 recap
This time last year, I was incredibly motivated and inspired to fulfil everything on my vision board for 2021. And to be fair to myself, I did cross off a couple on that list. I got a new source of income, and I also got a laptop. (I added a cellphone into the mix too.)
I also finished all of my payments on my credit card that were due this year (though it doesn’t quite count as 0 personal debt because I’ve made purchases again).
The weighing scale’s been waiting for me for months now, but we haven’t interacted since September. I’ve gone back and forth with exercising and I know and feel that I’m far off from my goal of going back to 55kg.
The emergency fund is, well, not there yet.
I’m not sure if I was trying to avoid doing a check-in because I would be sad about taking stock of what I was and wasn’t able to accomplish or if I really just don’t have the energy for it.
I’m grateful — I always remind myself of this and often tell my husband about it too — that I have two jobs. But I guess I’m just also really truly tired.
Time management definitely helps, but I miss having hobbies. This space has been my hobby for six years now, and while I’ve made so many things here too despite juggling everything, I do often feel like I haven’t been doing something for myself.
When I do have time to spare, I get suckered into the blackhole that is TikTok. And then I feel bad about having time for myself because I didn’t do anything ‘valuable’ or ‘productive’. It’s a vicious cycle which I truly hope doesn’t continue in the next year.
I feel out of my body often, though I’m able to center myself when I workout. But sometimes the mental exhaustion just wins and I let my mat sit in the dark, my muscles unstretched and unflexed and unused in that sense.
My 2022 vision
To tell you the truth, I don’t have one. This year has been so exhausting, I don’t have the energy to visualize what I would like the new year to be.
2021 was also a year of discerning and realizing so many things — what I want and no longer want, how much work I need to do to better myself and how I relate to others, how slow my growth has been, how changes are needed to be made.
But there are also so many things I’m still uncertain of, including what I would like my 2022 to be.
I think it’s also a bit unfair to nudge myself for an answer, especially at this time, especially considering how tired I still feel.
So my vision for 2022 is surviving and trying. They’re not exactly what many people would consider empowering, but that’s all I can push myself to do right now — that’s more than what most of us can and should do during this pandemic (can you believe we’re entering our third year?).
My goals will be tiny:
- get my impacted wisdom tooth removed
- get braces
- get a new pair of glasses
- start a sustainable workout schedule
- remember to work on myself and my relationships
- seek professional help for my personality issues
- be grateful on as many days as I can
The rest I’ll have to mull over first. But for now, these are my pillars for 2022. What are yours?